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December 20th, 2004

01:30 am

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December 19th, 2004

06:21 pm I usually wait until the end of the year to write my "Year in Review" post. However, I'm headed to Kansas City in a few days for Christmas with the family, complete with a wonderful spaghetti dinner (yeah. spaghetti this year.), and though I have a laptop and I'll be back in town before the new year, leaving Springfield will be a lot like leaving the year behind. My friends and I have laughed in the past about our "months of change" here and there. But I think this was my year of change. Life. Death. Balance. Friendship. Love. Confidence. Individualtiy. Honesty. The past. The future. The moment. I started over this year, almost from scratch, in every department of my life. There comes a point in life, I have found, that you must pick up and move on, and not necessarily forget the past, but carry with you the best parts, learn from the worst, and walk on. This year, beginning to end, pushed the boundaries of regret, but I still have none, because, like I said, there's always something to learn. This year, I choose not to write a damn thing about the year. All I know is that some people will be in my life forever, some will not, and nothing can get in the way of my happiness. Never have I felt more free, honest, and loved. And I mean that. This is the end of a crazy, terrible, beautiful, horrific year. Next year, starting now even, things are only going to get better. Also, this is the end of this journal in a public sense. It's been a place for me to be honest in the past, but lately I've been censoring myself so I don't let people know what I'm really thinking. That also stops now. The new chapters of my future in this journal will be more honest. More frank. More me. Time for a little housekeeping. To those I love, you know it. For Always, Matthew B Current Mood: resolute Current Music: Kill Bill Vol. 2 - Tu Mira

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December 18th, 2004

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December 16th, 2004

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December 14th, 2004

04:47 pm Fall semester, I am finally done with you. If you need me, you can find me speeding away in my Honda, cigarette and martini in one hand while the other hand flips you off. These last few weeks... or the last month, really... I have stepped it up a notch to get my shit back in order. Basically, this semester taught me that one department can vary greatly from the other, and while they'll just pass you right on to graduation in the music department, the design department will fail you before you've left the building. So, like I said, I stepped it up. Unfortunately, the work load has also driven me... well... crazy. Nate gave me the phone number for some cheap psychiatric help... At first, I was embarrassed, ashamed... but I think that's what every crazy person feels when someone tells them to get some help. It's like someone's telling you you're a failure as a person, but for me, I know that's not true. Some things have built up lately in my mind, and I exploded, finally. But now I'm okay, and on my way to being even better now that's school's out for a month. My problem is that I've been in overdrive. But in the end, it paid off. Save for a terrible piano jury, which is a big fat sign that making this my last semester of piano was a good idea, I made it to the top of my department. Flawless presentations, and projects so perfect that my professors are keeping some of them to show to classes next semester. And that's what I want. I want more than this place, where kids drive their diesel trucks to school. I want Chicago. I want New York. But now it's time to back off. Time to keep myself ahead of the game, but I'll never have to push so hard ever again, because now I've made it to heights that I'd never thought I'd see. This week, relaxation. I have things I want to do, but nothing pressing. I want to clean my house so that I can have the next few days without a damn thing to do. So, right now seems a good time to bow out, fix a pitcher of iced tea, put on a hoodie and jeans, and clean my house. Then, party down. I'm done. A more than welcome feeling after the craziest semester I've ever had. For Always, Matthew B Current Mood: relieved Current Music: Muse

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December 12th, 2004

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December 10th, 2004

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December 9th, 2004

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December 8th, 2004

02:12 am Some math for you. Word problems, if you will. Me + Retail Design + Design Specifications + Piano Jury = Cranky bitch. Alarm Set for 7:00 AM + Piano Lesson at 3:00 PM - Lunch = 7 Hours to Learn and Memorize Liszt and Schubert Wednesday Night + Coffee + Store Model/Presentation Board/Marketing Research + Drapery and Bedding Work/Sales Orders = All-nighter. Me + Phone Number of Bass Pro Architectural Model Shop = New Job Me + New Job = Fuck Panera x 10 Me + Stress = Empty Box of Cigarettes Me + Nate = Good Sex The End. Anyway. I said I would update about last weekend... but I haven't. And by the looks of things, I do not have time. (Understatement) But I will. I really will, because I learned some really good things this weekend, and I spent time with good friends, and I heard from random people that I should get to know better. I'm going to go clean my house and go to bed, because this place is... gross. You know that point where you have to, like, tiptoe and jump over things to get places? Yeah. That's my apartment. Bye, kids. For Always, Matthew B Current Mood: busy Current Music: Ryan Cabrera? ...Why?

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December 6th, 2004

01:56 am I like that everyday, despite every crazy project that's due, or every rotten hour of work I have to endure, or every disappointment a person or event has handed me, I can anticipate the future, whether it's ten years from now or the next five minutes, and through each moment that I go on with my life, there are people who love me by my side in the physical and in spirit. That was a very long sentence, though I believe it's still grammatically correct. I will write about my weekend tomorrow, I think. It was pretty crazy/beautiful. Not like the movie, though. Tomorrow begins the last week of class before finals. I expect many caffeine highs between now and Friday. For Always, Matthew B Current Mood: happy

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December 4th, 2004

10:45 am Whoaaaaaa. For Always, Matthew B Current Mood: exhausted

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December 3rd, 2004

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December 2nd, 2004

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December 1st, 2004

01:18 am I was listening to Debussy earlier, and by the time I finished drawing my floorplans, it was silent in my apartment. I have no idea when the music stopped. But, by the end of this week, my portfolio ought to be chock full of goodies. ...I complain about school sometimes. Well. A lot. But when you can sit down and completely enjoy your homework... I didn't know it was possible. I love learning. I love creating. That's all there is to it. I think everyone should grab ahold of their passion and run with it. My bit for the day. I'm about ready to have a spot of tea before I start some elevation drawings, and I'm eating a scone. This probably means I'm British. I also think my heater is trying to light, but failing. This sounds like a gas explosion to me. Perhaps I should check on that before I'm cremated. And snow. It's snowing, and that's nice. My doors were frozen shut after work tonight, and I didn't care, because it was funny. It won't be so funny in the morning when I'm late for class. People go crazy when it snows. Or rains. Or blows wind the wrong way. You know. They drive into medians, into ditches... crazy people everywhere. I never get exciting things in the mail. Nate gets all sorts of things. Checks from work, packages from family members, cards, credit card offers. I get Wal-Mart coupons. I assume Homeland Security is keeping close tabs on me, me being a progressive gay democrat and all, and they've told the Postal Service that I'm pretty broke most of the time, despite regular paychecks. But I fool them when I get all my catalogs. Too bad they all come on the same day, because they're all sent at the change of every quarter. Regardless, I'm sure people somewhere are wondering where I hide all the money to fuel my dreams of buying a lamp from Design Within Reach. Ice skating with some of the boys on Thursday... That sounds nice to me. Other things I'd like to do soon: Skiing. Spelunking. Hiking. Camping. Perhaps all intertwined into a big, wintery roadtrip. Back to the drawing board. Which is really just my dining room table. For Always, Matthew B Current Mood: artistic Current Music: Rufus

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November 29th, 2004

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November 27th, 2004

01:43 pm - Home Again Here I am, back in Springfield after one of the best Thanksgivings I've had in years. My Thanksgiving holiday began Tuesday morning, before school. When I last wrote, I was drinking tea and eating a muffin before what I thought might be a terrible day. I went to school at 7:45 to get my floor plan project graded by Doc Ireland. I sat and listened as she graded another student's project, pointing out detail after detail before finally giving her a C minus... not a D, because she was in a good mood. Worried, I unrolled my plans, and she just looked at them for awhile. We had a little talk about some things... my grades, my work... and I had never talked to her about anything before, really. She's such a nasty bitch in class, and never gives anyone better than a C on anything... But, Doc, who has been teaching for 40 some-odd years, proceeded to give me an A-, told me I had tremendous potential, and said that I was the best design student she had seen in at least 7 years. I was taken aback. I've been struggling for months, worrying about her classes, thinking about how little time I have to cram in all my design classes before graduation, wondering if I'm good enough to do this on my own, hoping that I've made all the right choices. And this was validation. It was an affirmation that, yes, I'm doing this right. And not only that, I'm doing it better than anyone else in the department. Doc changed me that day. She's not the bitch everyone told me she is. I walked out of the studio near tears. Happy tears. And I won't forget that. I called Nate and my mom. The rest of the day was somewhat boring... Clearing up questions about assignments due in the next couple of weeks, taking a couple of quick tests, and then I was done. I went to work, which pretty much sucked, and I would not like to revisit... and then Nate and I packed for Kansas City. Mmm. Kansas City. Wednesday morning we arrived in KC and ate lunch with my parents before Nate and I headed of to the art gallery with Adam and Korey. The art gallery is so fun, and so much better than when you went with a herd of children in 4th grade. Sometimes art just calls to me. I stood in a room with a giant statue of Buddha against a huge mural of Hindu art. And I just stood there for awhile, because it was beautiful. Then the four of us headed over to the Plaza to shop around for awhile. My mom cooked spaghetti that evening, and Nate and I went to Eva's house to watch a movie. We were all tired and called it an early night. Thursday, I took my "roommate" Nate to meet my extended family. And sitting there, I think to myself, "these people KNOW." Secrets are silly. But the food was good, and my family was ridiculous. Fortunately, after eating far too much turkey and ham, Nate and I fell asleep on opposite ends of the couch. Or maybe we fell asleep because football was on. That seems more likely. We headed over to my dad's side of the family, which at this point consists of one old lady now that my great-grandma died, and she's so much fun now! She's sassy. Thanksgiving evening, my parents took Nate and I gambling... I went home with $13, and I was drunk. Sounds like I won. Friday, the worst shopping day of the year, Nate and I went to the mall with Chuck, and it was a good time. Afterwards, Nate wound up taking a nap, and then decided we should hit the casino again, since we don't have them at school. He lost, hahaha. Cutting our losses, we grabbed a 6-pack on the way home and watched a movie. And here we are, back in Springfield. A good holiday, I must say, even though I never get to see as many people as I hope to when I go home. But! Only two more weeks of school before finals. Sigh. I have to go call some people, then crack down on some homework. More later. For Always, Matthew B Current Mood: happy Current Music: "White Flag" - Dido

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November 23rd, 2004

07:24 am - Change It's 7:15 AM. I look attractive today, I'm eating a muffin, and I'm drinking tea. This, to me, is a good morning, minus the early part. By the end of the day, beginning at 7:45 when my professor rips apart my floorplans, this will all start to crash down on me. By the end of work, I won't even have cute hair anymore, and I'll smell bad. Like bread. Not like vanilla bodywash, which is how I smell right now. But maybe I can change that. My last post before Thanksgiving, and probably until I return from Kansas City, is a thoughtful one. This weekend has introduced me once again to good old "change." After some reorganizing and overhauls of some parts of my life, I thought changes might be over, and that I was in a better place. But it was only the beginning, because life just keeps throwing stuff my way, as if to say, "hold on, Matt. You're not quite done." Change is always happening, and I often forget that I am always changing, especially when so much changing happens in huge chunks lately. You cannot change yourself for anyone. But, you can change yourself for yourself. I feel like some people have called me on a few things, and it's time for a little more thinking about who I want to be. I need to make a few changes, it seems... but not because anyone told me to. Because I want to. And I think that if you really want to change yourself in a positive way, you can do it. All I needed was a fresh perspective on things. Life will always surprise me. Happy Thanksgiving, guys. I know that I certainly have a lot to be thankful for this year. For Always, Matthew B Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Nothin'.

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November 22nd, 2004

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